Some useful ideas for Kurds, Tibetans, Catalonians and others
Seeking independence? Or perhaps a homeland for your people? Ever wondered how to get your own state, while putting in the minimal amount of effort and self-sacrifice? Read on for some useful tips, ideas and strategies…
Reject the offer of a state
Yes, you read it right! Despite being totally illogical, one of the best ways to get your own state is to reject the offer of a state. What’s more, if you do it repeatedly, your chances of getting your own state are far, far greater. Useful tip – try to keep your rejectionist behavior spread out over a number of decades so that the world turns a blind eye and no-one asks awkward questions as to why you are frequently distance yourself from that which you apparently seek. If anyone does ask these awkward questions, then respond with an answer that is either vague, illogical or focus on a totally different issue. If the questioner pursues this line of questioning, then blame the enemy. Works like magic to bring about the end of such questions!
If you have the bad luck of having an enemy who agreed to a decades-old offer of you getting a state that you wholeheartedly rejected, and thereby got their own state, then make sure to call them colonizers or thieves. If you can get your brethren involved then launch wars, lose them and cry victim.
Spit in the face of those who are trying to help you
Have you got your very own international peace process, supported by multiple bodies and organizations? Well, forget that! Who needs such a headache? Completely ignore the years of efforts and billions of dollars invested in helping you, and do your own thing instead.
The civilized world won’t be bothered – you know full well that their pockets run deep enough to fund you without auditing – recession or not. Also, make sure to take advantage of the lack of success of above-mentioned peace process you eagerly abandoned, which was made all the more challenging due to a total lack of pressure upon you to do what is necessary to bring peace, by pointing out that it hasn’t borne fruits yet.
The international community might even ignore the fact that they were committed to some sort of peace process and support you in your state-seeking endeavors. Worse comes to worse, most of them will not dare speak out against your lack of commitment and will cave at the slightest pressure. It is better for them to go with the flow rather than take a moral stand!
Stick your two fingers up at previous peace agreements you have previously signed too while you are at it. Just because you signed something it doesn’t mean you actually have to do it!
Make sure to walk away from the bargaining table frequently, and always, but always, set preconditions upon issues that you previously agreed would be subjects of said peace talks. This is a double bonus – you have an excuse for not pursuing peace that can be legitimately explained away and you never have to negotiate the issue at hand.
Don’t make any compromises whatsoever! It is far better for your people to suffer for decades than make any concessions. Keep them in a state (pun intended!) of poverty, despair and hopelessness. The best of both worlds!
However, beware that you don’t fall into a trap – if you are under the impression that you will achieve your aims without having to ever compromise in any way as long as you are persistent enough, make sure not to underestimate your enemy. (See more on ‘Choose your enemies wisely’)
Do nothing whatsoever to help yourselves
Why spend your money on food or investing in infrastructure etc. when there are expensive, sometimes home-made, weapons out there to be bought? If you feel confident that the international community will sponsor you financially no matter how badly you behave, then go ahead and do your worse – and you will be the better for it. The more poverty you can display, the more the money will pour in!
However, a warning that should be noted: Do not expect money from your own brethren. They will support you with lip service, use you for political purposes, and treat you far worse than your perceived enemy ever dreamed of, let alone practiced.
Suicide bombs, shootings, stabbings, hostage taking – you name it – the more the merrier! If you are looking for attention, don’t stop at the regular well-known forms of terror that the world sees every day and turns a blind eye to – be creative! Bonus points for driving bulldozers into cars – kill a mother driving her baby and the world’s stage is all yours! Hack off the head of an infant, and they will, in their masses, support your right to do this.
Don’t forget to get the leader who is widely regarded as the peacemaker of your people to dedicate schools, roads and football teams to these terrorist heroes, praise them on national television, and also in school books to get the future generations fully prepared for a peaceful co-existence with your neighbors. If you’re really up for the challenge, keep the message you deliver in your own language entirely different to that which you tell the world. Forget about tools such as Google translate, and self-described human rights groups – everyone will turn a blind eye!
If you have money left over from what the western countries have given you that hasn’t been deposited by your leaders in Swiss bank accounts, make sure to pay a hefty salary to terrorists families and those serving life in enemy prisons. They will need that money in order to conduct more terrorism when they are released from prison in a lopsided exchange that the international community can pat themselves on the back for, for negotiating.
Special bonus tip!! Check to see if the following applies to you, for a special bonus that will prove useful in all forms of Treachery, Terrorism and generally being Terrible!
Do you have the fortune to have your terrorism backed by an entire religion? Even better! You can hide behind the “it’s only a minority of our religion. The majority are peaceful” slogan. If you have the fortune of holding democratic elections, make sure that the majority vote for a terrorist group. The world won’t be willing to face up to this fact and will gloss over it at ease.
If you’re really luck, the world might have pity on you and see your terrorism differently to your co-religionists, despite all the evidence proving otherwise.
Choose your enemies wisely
We saved the best for last!
Now, this is a tricky one, since not everyone has the luxury of choosing their enemies. If your enemies are the Jews, then you are in luck! You can capitalize on anti-Semitic sentiment, anti-Americanism, dictators and oppressors attempting to turn a blind eye on what they are doing by focusing on the Zionists, European efforts to stop their guilt over the Holocaust by trying to point a finger at Israel, and a web of other misguided ideologies. Take advantage of history and pick on the world’s favorite victim.
Does your enemy fit into the following category? Do they repeatedly agree to you getting your state (albeit on those utterly restrictive conditions such as you being peaceful!)? Do they give you land that you never actually owned without you having to give anything in return? Have they ever made peace agreements with other neighbors who are waning towards reneging on their part of the agreements just a couple of decades later, without any scent of accountability from the brokers of afore-mentioned peace deals?
Can you manage to portray your enemy as Goliath and yourself as David, despite the obvious flaws in this assessment? Is your enemy backed up by a religion that lacks significant problems getting along with others, while yours is ‘troubled’, to put it lightly? If so, then you are in luck!
If your enemy is determined to do its utmost in sparing your civilians when defending itself by taking out your most evil, then make sure to put the most vulnerable sectors of your society in harm’s way to increase your own casualties and thus global sympathy. It’s a small sacrifice to make, but pays off nicely!
If your enemy falls into this category, then you are in luck! But a word of caution: Don’t underestimate them – there is a limit to how much they will be prepared to take. You’d do well to observe the repetitive nature of virtually all their religious holidays: “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.” History has proven that they will ultimately prevail (they’d be called the winners if there were any winners in this game). Ignore history at your peril on this one.
On the other hand, if your enemy is known for its lack of human rights, but is a massive consumer market and global force that is too difficult to tackle then reconsider the above advice. The world will have sympathy for you and welcome you in their arms, but will let you rot by the roadside before lifting a finger to help you in any way.
And if your enemies are members of the oil rich group of nations, then recommended advice is to back down for a while. You could unwittingly sacrifice millions of your own people in endeavors to get your own state, but the oil-thirsty world will probably not take much notice.
You could hope for some support from non-governmental human rights groups, but be advised; they frequently sacrifice the human rights principles to chase the sponsorship dollar. Or alternatively, they invest great deal of efforts in protecting the worst of the worst of humanity and ignore the real victims. Sometimes to the extent that they would be better off being called human wrong activists.
And our last piece of advice that we will state: “Don’t get yourself in a state. Get yourself in the correct state of mind!”
Have you got any useful tips or advice for getting your own state? Make sure to reply in the comments. And make sure to come back for our next installment in this series: “Moving from ‘How to fool most of the people all the time’ to ‘How to fool all the people all the time.’”